I’m amazed at how quickly time has passed. Twenty years ago I changed the direction of my life. I married the father of my children on the 4th of June. I’m grateful for him even though we’re not together and haven’t been for quite sometime. He is a great father and a good friend. I’m blessed. I wasn’t going to write about this even though it has been on my mind basically since last June. However this is my blog, my thoughts, & my feelings. So here it is.
Looking back at the past twenty years I’m grateful for my life, the joy and the pain. I would not be who I am today without any of it. I would not have the two best children (young adults) in the world.
I basically graduated high school and moved out all within a month. We got engaged in November and got pregnant in January, because that is what happens when you have sex. At least I was 18 and out of high school, but basically made my self a statistic. (Which by the way I had a HARD time getting over being a statistic for a long time – but this is not about that.) We moved back in with my parents and around May after being together a year we decided to get married in one month, June. Now remember I’m preggers. Some how we pulled it together with the help of our families. It was on the lawn at my Mom’s. My Dads walked me down the aisle (and lifted me over a puddle). It was an interesting and fun evening. We took our “honeymoon” to Rhode Island, loosing a part of our beater car in EVERY state we drove through. Loosing a tire (drum & all) on the NH pike outside of Portsmouth on our return trip. (I have pictures to prove it.) We spent the rest of the week camping in Naples. I think that’s the first time my (ex) brother-in-law (in law) scared me while driving. I chuckle about it now.
Sometime in the next couple of months we moved in to our own apartment in Lewiston. It was before August I believe, because I remember it being so damn hot up on the third floor of our building. It was a sweet two bedroom with cool french doors and a nice bathroom. Baby wasn’t due until October (or so they thought – I think they were wrong) so we had a crib given to us as well as other hand me downs from friends. Unexpectedly baby is going to be early due to toxemia. Basically I was sick as a dog for weeks and knew something wasn’t right. We went to the hospital several times and kept getting sent home until I finally was vomiting. Which by the way you shouldn’t be doing at 8 months pregnant. Surprise! You’re getting a c-section. I think everyone was at the hospital that day. My parents (all 4) his parents, his sister & b-i-l, my 3 brothers, our best friend, and possibly even our grandparents. They waited in the hall while I was put out and the baby was hauled out of me. Weighing only 4lb 11oz he was just a peanut. However his lungs were fully developed and he had no problem breathing for being “5 weeks” early. (this is why I doubt their “estimation” of due date). He was in the hospital for several days. They wanted his weight to go up, he ate frequently measured by CC not ounces. He was in the NICU under the lights with little felt shades over his eyes because he was a bit jaundice. They had cleared out an old delivery room for us to stay in while he was there. There was a surprise baby shower after we came home from the hospital.
My life was & hasn’t ever been the same since. Me, being a mom was not at the top of my list of things to do or achieve. Not that I turned out to be a bad mom, because I did alright. If you can’t set a good example be a good warning (lesson). It’s true though, I really wasn’t going to be a mom. I don’t for one second regret it. I do wonder what life would have been like if I stuck to my plan of not having kids, but that’s not what is. What it is, is that I have two beautiful babies now. I have a great ex-husband (and his new wife) and ex in-laws that are totally awesome. I don’t regret the last twenty years, I’m just sad that it has gone by so fast. I wish I had done some things differently. I wish I was a better mother and had more resources to provide for my children. Don’t we all wish for that?
Thank you to my ex and his family for being so great. Thanks to my family for being so supportive. Even though I think you all think I’m the eccentric crazy artsy chick. 🙂 And most of all thank you to my kids for making the last 20 years memorable, fun, and challenging. You all have made me a better person of the years. I love you all.