Hard choice

I’ve made the hard choice to discontinue my college classes for the foreseeable future.  I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and being a photographer is a dream of mine, but two things are painfully clear: 1) you can’t make any good money at it, unless you’re spectacular. 2) every one wants to be one & thinks they are (w/o the education to back it up) It’s a great hobby for me but to be a professional photographer isn’t going to happen.  I’m just being realistic about things.  It doesn’t mean I’m going to give up taking pictures.  I should have gone to college straight out of high school.

I’m really not a smart person comparatively.  There is so much I know I don’t know. I spent my youth not on myself and have no awesome skills. Empty nest approaching and now what? It is depressing to think about. I like my kids and they like me.  My kids were/are my world.  I made the choice to be the best Mom I could be, that they didn’t choose this life, I did. This coming from the person who was never going to have kids.  I do not resent it at all, I take joy in having had the opportunity.  I hope I didn’t coddle them too much & make them too dependent on me.  I want them to learn to fly on their own, to make mistakes, to learn and to know that if anything major happens that we’re here for them.

Now that I’m pushing 40 and my kids are basically on their own, I don’t know what to do with myself.  As I was saying above, I have few skills, not marketable ones in my eyes.  I worked for 5 years selling jewelry at a national retailer, and the last 12 working in an office doing the same thing.  Not accounting, not web design, not organizing, not management, not anything marketable outside my office.  (Cube monkey/button pusher.) Realistically I’ve resigned myself to the fact I may be here until I retire. The thought makes me cringe.  I never wanted this to be my “career”.

Don’t get me wrong this is not a pity party for me. This is me just realizing that things are what they are.  I’m accepting this and moving forward.

Moving forward by down sizing things in the next year to move.  Working to save money to take the trips I want, to see the places I’ve always wanted to see.  Taking care of myself first. I don’t need a BA degree to work here, to take photos, to write a book, or to travel.  And maybe in a few years I’ll decide that I really do want to go back to school, for something not related to photography (or accounting).  And while I’m deciding this I can pay off my student loans.

There’s no telling what the future holds, but as for right now this is the right choice, a hard choice for me.  What hard choice have you had to make regarding your own happiness or piece of mind?

*Tiny house vs garage apartment – the next tough choice. Coming soon.

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