This day is different…

I’m driving to work this morning as I always do, rarely seeing anyone that I know on my way in during the 45 minute commute.  However today is different….

Today I pull up next to the one person who can set off my flight or fight reflex.

The dickhead ass hole who I dated for only 8 months.

The psycho who I thought was long gone out-of-state…. is not.

It has been 6 years. Yet I still feel dread and a bit of fear around him.

October 2004 – Halloween party at my best friend’s house is where I first meet him and his wife.  She works with his wife at whatever job she has at the time.

October 2005 – Halloween party again at my best friend’s house, but he and I attend together this time.  He’s since separated from her.  His father is neighbors with my friend. Our official relationship starts.  (He should have been a one night stand.)

November 2005 – We attend my stepbrother’s wedding.

December 2005 – He attends the family Christmas with me.  They all seem to like him well enough.

January 2006 – He thinks I’m cheating on him and having “group” sex with my friend & her husband & their friends.  He threatens me, he tries to take my keys (lucky I have s spare).  He tries to take my spare. I knock him to the ground. (It’s good to be a cops daughter sometimes.)  I take my shit and leave.

February 2006 – We get back together at some point – sort of.

April 2006 – I buy a house and he’s suppose to move in with me. He doesn’t. A favor from the gods. He’s around a lot. We go to MA to visit his mother. We fight constantly.

May 2006 – We visit my parents at the island time share, driving back he yells at me for screwing other people, that I haven’t been.  I gave him an ultimatum on that drive. Pull your shit together & change your attitude or we’re done.  I don’t need this crap. Everything is my fault. My friend who studies Psychology thinks he has paranoid personality disorder. Meting all seven criteria.

June 2006 – The beginning of the end… thankfully.  He grew distant. He started seeing other people. He visits my family without me. (who the fuck does that?)  He returns my house key.

I thought I had dealt with this “drama” I thought I was over it.  Yet seeing him makes me want to vomit. I can’t decided if I want to run far away (flight) or beat his face in (fight) for making me this way.  Then I get angry at myself for allowing some ass hole to have this much impact on me.  I hate him.  He’s the one person I can truly say I hate.  I don’t usually wish my exes ill will, I actually like most of them as people.  Not this one.

Today is different… today I’m inspired to overcome my hate and become a better person.  I still wished there had been a cop on the hill to stop the bastard on his way to work.

Today… I end the anxiety that he triggers in me by writing & talking it out, to gain support.  Feeling more inspired & motivated than I have in the past.  I move on with my life as I have the past 6 years.

Today is different…  I don’t let my anxiety around him control my life.

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